I really found my topic today very early on, and in a very big way. How does one take to heart his conviction that he is a Christian, and operate in an effective way in the world of "business?" I am not just talking about the obvious things, don't embezzle money, don't lie to your boss, don't steal property, don't harass or abuse other employees. These are not just Christian tenets, they are good moral compass points from any perspective or belief system.
I mean, how do you live the hard stuff Christ commands, and still do the things required to make the business successful? How do you forgive your brother even seven times seventy times, and still manage how that brother impacts the business? How do you turn the other cheek, when you have to keep from getting punched in the chops? How do you decide about casting the first stone, when your function is to make sure you point out the "stones," sometimes with real velocity? How do you fire or demote someone, knowing the struggle and trial that would place on their family, when you are supposed to support and encourage the saints?
So, my day did not involve all of those things, nor the most difficult of them. No one found other employment opportunities, or is in danger of that. But, I did struggle with how to deal with what I think is a true conviction Christ laid on my heart, to love my fellow man as I want to be loved, and the very real need to make sure that others understand error, and understand that there are real repercussions to continuing to repeat that error.
This is a personal thing that I struggle with mightily. I am perceived as a very difficult man, very gruff, very antagonistic and very driven. And, the truth is that all of those things live very vibrantly in me. I would be lying to anyone if I claimed that not to be true. When I was a very young man, 17 and 1 day away from leaving for Boot Camp, my grandfather, Harry, my Pop, took me for a tour of our 11 acres. He took me to every corner of the property, every marker, down every fence line. He made a point of showing me the physical boundaries of what he owned. He was very proud of it, and he was very insistent I understood what he felt was the most important lesson in the world. "Never make any man regret a single penny he pays you for your effort. If you make you boss grateful to pay you your pay, you will truly be a success in this world. It won't matter what you are doing, and it will make it to every part of your life."
It would turn out to be the last meaningful conversation we would have. I saw him that night, and he gave me a hug, told me he loved me, I saw a tear in his eye, and then he walked away. On September 10, I left at 3:30 in the morning for MEPS. My Pop passed on September 11. I have had a much longer history of regretting 9/11 than most of America. I never got to show him that I took his important lesson to heart, and I have always regretted that. But, I did, perhaps too well. I am driven to produce, I am hard wired to make certain that what I am responsible for, what I own, is correct, is efficient and is in order. It sometimes overwhelms the part of my heart and brain that is supposed to recognize the emotional need and struggle in others.
To others, this can be evident as arrogance, frustration, impatience, impertinence, insenstivity and irritability. That is not what Christ calls me to be, and I know that. I struggle every day to contain the thing that the Navy enabled me to create, and be the man that Christ asked me to commit to be in my whole life. In the Navy, I was "famous" for my temper, my language, my approach, and my results. In a world of very rough people, conditioned to be rougher than they started, I was high up on the scary as hell food chain. I loved my folks, they were MINE. Whatever their issues, that was for me to deal with. Whatever their problems, that was for me to deal with. You did not mess inside my fence, and it was not really safe to even look over the fence really.
I left that world behind, and took on a role in a civilian company that is definitiely not wired the same way as the Navy. I had to relearn my approach, my presentation. But, I have never gotten over loving my folks, and that they are MINE. Whatever their issues, that was for me to deal with. Whatevver their problems, that was for me to deal with. The problem was, there was suddenly no fence, and people messed in my yard constantly. Apparently, that is a "norm" out in the civilian world. That caused me no end of stress and no end of turmoil.
Christ came to my rescue. He gave me some peace in my heart that the world was going to be okay. I just have not yet figured out how to deal with what it creates in me. Most Christians will tell you that loving others is the command of God. Most will tell you that of course it is the mark of a successful Christian. What they won't necessarily share is that they struggle doing it successfully with everyone. I mean, there are just people you don't like or gell with. Then there are the really exciting folks, the ones you don't mesh well with and seem determined to demonstrate that to you at every opportunity.
I am not certain this is how it rolls with everyone else, but I seem to have the challenge of having them assigned, hired or otherwise intertwined with me professionally. I hear quite clearly the conviction that I am to love these people, support them, pray for them unceasingly, and go out of my way to forgive them my perceived wrongs. How do you do that and at the same time, make it clear and convincing that they are incapable of the work they are doing? How do you do it without being spiteful, vengeful or hateful? I have no real good ideas.
But I did discover this morning that it is the province of prayer, hope and faith. I finally stopped long enough and sincerely enough to give up the struggle to God, for that particular moment. It did not result in angels coming down and reordering the world to the specifications I desired. What it did was remind me of a beautiful September afternoon where I spent time with one of the two greatest male influences in my life, learning a valuable lesson. I heard my Pop ask me if I was doing this in a way that made me worth my pay.
It is a Christian value I often neglect, worrying about the speck in a brother's eye, and ignoring the plank in my own. For a few moments, I could even remember the smell of the alfalfa we had just cut the day before, I could hear the chain creaking on the metal porch swing Pop was sitting in, and hear the june bugs as Pop looked at me. I can't say it made me suddenly have a wonderful day and immediately go heal 4 rifts in relationships and start a morning prayer group of encouragement. But, it did let me get thorugh the rest of the day with a minimum of cussing, fussing and feuding. I even managed to do it without too much pent up anger making my heart feel like it wanted to explode. Not huge victories, but Christ is patient with me, regardless of my own expectation of growth.
I also recently got the doctor to give me some Xanax. I don't advocate the chemical lifestyle, it has taken custody and control of too many in my family. But, it is my fervent Christian belief that God gave some of us that needed the help, some good science that lets us control our pace, not just go with the imbalanced flow we have dealt with forever.
Bottom line, any day that reminds me of my Pop, in a way that edifies, is a pretty awesome day. I hope you had your own Pop visitation today. I hope it put you in mind of what you can do for you, and in a way that benefits the saints Christ positions around you. If not, I hope you find a way to be more open to it in the future.
It was not earth shattering, but there was no place finer to be than Harry's front porch on a gorgeous September day, knowing that man just loved you down to your core. I have missed that porch, and that man for more than 29 years, but I remember that like it was happening right now. And, I hope you have that memory of your own that shows up when you need it most.
I love you all.
Joe
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