Memories

Nothing really helps when you have the icky bug.  You know the one that turns your insides to fast moving lava, makes you feel like you are carrying 200 extra pounds and gives you pain in every joint and muscle.

Yeah, that one.  I don't know why it decided to take up residence with us, hopefully it won't take up residence with any of the people we have so recently visited.  I hate this feeling, and don't really wish it on anyone else in the world.

I sat here today, trying to remember what my Mom did when we felt like this as kids.  Honestly, I don't remember often feeling sick as a kid.  I remember the chicken pox, that sucked.  I remember having the snotty nose occasionally.  We kind of wished for fevers, because they meant no school.

We went to school a lot.  I don't know if that is because we were unusually healthy as kids, or if I just don't remember much about being sick.  I can't ask, so I have to go with few events to serve as a guide.

I remember clearly that fevers meant baths, which I despised.  It was like being thrown into Lake Michigan in January.  I guess it broke the fever, it was that or you were just going to die of hypothermia.  Then it was bundled up, with about a quarter inch of Vicks VapoRub on your chest and a healthy dose under your nose.

You would then be swaddled, just like the baby Jesus in the Bible.  This usually resulted in a complete body sweat, and a terrible coughing fit that brought up everything in your chest.  I remember clearly as a child throwing away the VapoRub whenever I found it unattended.  I hated that stuff.  But, I used it on my babies, just the same.

I am not sure that I remember clearly what Mama did about nauseau.  I don't remember having it too often.  That was, and remains the worst symptom of any illness for me.  I do not do throwing up.  I just refuse.  It is just the worst thing that happens in my body.  I can tell you that kidney stones and the flu are the last times I had anything to do with feeling like throwing up.  I won't tolerate it.

Until I don't have any choice, like today.  I tried to remember, and I think Mama gave us Maalox for anything to do with the stomach.  I really just remember chalky tasting white stuff.  I think she hated Pepto, so I don't remember having that around the house much.  None of that works on a virus anyway.

So, today I spent a lot of time thinking about Mama, and what happened when we got sick as kids.  I don't know why I focus on that when I get sick.  Maybe everyone does.  You go back to where you felt best, when you felt worst.  I remember getting sick being terrifying, I did not know what was happening.  But, as soon as Mama touched you, the fear went away.  I didn't feel better right away, and I still hate Vaporub, but I knew it was going to be okay when she was there.

It is not the same, when you are an adult.  When that feeling is just gone, and you have to gut it out on your own.  It is not as terrifying, I know what is happening to my body.  But, it would still be great to be able to feel Mama put her hand on my forehead and tell me to hush.

I miss her everyday, but I miss that specifically, significantly, when I don't feel good.  I think every adult wants their Mama when they don't feel good.  If just to decide what to take and do, to get it fixed and better, they miss that connection and security.

We will do better, in fact, we are doing better already this evening.  Not the most interesting post I have ever come up with.  But, when you miss your Mama, you miss your Mama.  It doesn't stop, even 17 years later.

Tomorrow will be brighter, we will feel better, and things will progress.  Until then, I am piling on the covers and going to bed.

I love you all.