Home for the holidays

I don't know how significant this post may seem to others.  I generally don't have any idea of that kind of thing.  I just go at what my brain tells me to go after, until it can't go anymore.  I have now used "I" more than a good writer would, which is just about right.

We went home yesterday.  Katrina and I, we made up our minds and went home.  By that, I mean we returned to our church home, at Holy Cross Lutheran in Clayton.  We have been hunting a church home for a year.  It has been a hard year, spiritually.  We have felt less and less fed.  We have felt less and less connected to any kind of church family.

We tried different denominations, we tried different congregations, we tried and then we tried some more.  It just did not ever result in us finding that place.  The congregations we visited were full of wonderful people.  Some of the churches had wonderful programs and mission opportunities.  Some of the preaching was outstanding.  Some of the groups were wonderful.  But, none of them fit into the hole that we created when we left Holy Cross.

We have struggled, together, and seperately, over this issue.  It is not that we were at odds with each other.  But, we were praying and struggling over it.  Sometimes, it was a joint struggle, but it was always also an individual burden.  We both felt a lack of connection, a lack of a conduit we felt we needed significantly.  It only grew more profound.

It was a stressful situation.  We had chosen to search for a new church for numerous reasons.  Mostly, it involved things that we felt and experienced.  It had been a tough year leading up to that decision, to go searching.  Many things happened to Katrina and I, that were significant and life altering.  We experienced great loss, family struggle, tragedy, employment issues, and a host of smaller, but no less real, events that come with being human.  It is not that we had some kind of year that rivals the trials of Job, it is more that we had experienced a year that challenged us more than we cared to admit.

We never found success in our hunt.  We found several places that were very close to what we were searching for, very nearly the right deal.  We just never could make the final committment.  Again, these were/are wonderful places of worship that meet the needs of their congregations in amazing ways.  All of them were like that.  What they did not do, was create the feeling in Katrina and I that we were home.  As the time wore on, I became more and more concerned about my failure to be the spiritual leader I was supposed to be, and get through to a solution.

I prayed on it, I prayed over it, I prayed about it, I prayed throught it, and I even prayed it up.  I know that Katrina prayed and struggled just as mightily as I did.  Then, God sent us some help, when He let us have a real conversation about what we were searching for, and why we were searching.  I am now just speaking about me, but it had always been about what I was searching for.  It was definitely not about what God needed from me.

When I finally put this all together today, it started to be much more clear to me.  We had been close to joining at least two other congregations.  But, each had had some issue that held us back.  As it got closer to Christmas, I was becoming more concerned.  No one wants to be away from home and family for Christmas, and for Katrina and I that includes being away from our church home and church family.  We need that part of our spiritual life to be filled just like we need our parents and children around.

We also decided that instead of buying presents for each other of things we did not need, that we would prefer to take that amount of money, and use it to bless others not as fortunate as ourselves.  We started to talk about how we would do that.  We both knew that our pastor at Holy Cross would know if there was a need, and that conversation, about getting in touch with Bill and asking for his help, was the catalyst.  We started to talk about home, and being home, and what our church home was about.

We came to the conclusion that maybe Holy Cross was our church home, and had been all along.  Maybe we needed a growth experience that allowed us to understand that completely.  Maybe there was some blessing or interaction we needed to have in those other congregations, that was accomplished.  Maybe there was just me being obstinate instead of obediant.  Whichever the reason, we decided to go  back, and see what the Spirit said to us.

When you have left somewhere to start a journey you do not expect to return from, it is an uncomfortable feeling to actually return.  What will it feel like, what will we think?  What will God put on our hearts?  Those were real concerns.  What we found was that the ultimate truth that I believe is evident if you look for it.

God, and His house, is not a building or a set of people.  It doesn't have an affiliation.  It does not have a congregational name.  It is the collection of souls that love God, that serve God, that put God first.  And His servants are all around you.  So, when we went back, with the right attitude of seeking God's will, not our own, we found something amazing.

It felt right.  It felt good and whole.  The things we had wondered, carried with us, worried over, they fell away.  We got back our peace.  It won't be perfect, because churches are stuffed full of very imperfect people, it is why I get in.  But, it is what and where we belong, with the attitude that we are there  for God, not God there for us.  I think I have been guilty of that.  I know that I have been.

It might not seem like much to the rest of the world, but it has been incredible for me.  I actually felt that closeness with God that I associate with the right attitude.  I could feel it in my soul.  That feeling,  that knowledge in me that I am listening, I am hearing, being obedient, makes so much difference to me.

So, we went home, a home that we had never really left, though we went away. And, it makes me very  happy to have that feeling.  In the large struggles in the world, it is a huge victory for each family  to find their way home.  I hope and pray that you and your family have their home, or that you find it.  There is no place like it.

I love you all.